The Joys of Christmas

2010's Christmas was the best ever. Got a couple of clothes, toys and etc. Hunter came into my life days before Christmas, a DSLR came not long after. The beauty a pile of fur can do to the entire family, and myself. It taught me to be more responsible, taught me what life is, taught me the meaning of life, family, friends. He taught me what love is, and how love can exist in many forms. The greatest act of love someone can ever make is to let go. I don't know how and I don't know why, but I found out that it is meaningless to hold on to someone who would never come back.

Last Christmas, I had the company of my family and Avery during the Christmas Eve Dinner. Spending time bonding with him and my own family is something I really enjoyed doing. This year, it was just my family. Concocted up a whole lot of new home made recipes such as braised lamb shank with wine sauce, pan grilled honey pepper striploin steak, Bacon Olio with chili flakes, fruit salad, Apple Baklava with ground roasted nuts and cream, and etc. My waist line grew from a mere 26 inches to 31 inches overnight. Disastrous. But enjoyable. Images courtesy of the new Sony Alpha A390. :D

Braised Lamb Shank with Red Wine sauce

Salad with Caesar dressing

Stir Fry Sweet Peas with Shitake

Bacon Olio with Chili

Apple Baklava with Ground Roasted Nuts and Cream

Pan Grilled Honey Pepper Sirloin Steak

This Christmas, I felt so happy and carefree. It was one of the happiest moments of my life, second to Avery's 21st birthday. However, it is definitely the happiest event and moment for the year 2010. After a super roller coaster ride of events happening in the first three quarters of this year, things started to go uphill after that. Praise the Lord for all his blessings and guidance.

Hunter is practically my life nowadays. Every events in my life currently revolves around his clock. I wake up at 6.30am everyday to feed him, talk to him, walk him, and play with him. He brings me utter joy, a joy that was once filled with Avery. Hey I'm not trying to compare him to a puppy, but seriously the joy they have given me surpasses the joy of having scraped good grades, ecstacy of intense shopping and etc. I love them both but the latter has walked out of my life. I hope Hunter stays with me longer. *hearts*

It is beautiful to hear the joys and laughter of a family huddled together at the dining table, at the family room, near the puppy crate, everywhere...

Thank You Lord for this wonderful Christmas.

I love You.

The Love of My Life

I've always been wanting one ever since I was a little girl. Every year without fail, I tried persuading my parents to get me one. Last year was a failure because Munkey Superstar was bought right off my hands, which made me very sad. :( And this Christmas, I got Hunter instead. :) I wanted to name him Morri because I missed him so, but then Morri sounds too cute for someone with that caliber. So Hunter it is :)

Say hello to the world! *hearts*

It's Set

Looking back at life, it's sad to see another year passing by so quickly. 2010 is nearing an end and I couldn't wait for it to. 2010 is a year where nothing went right. Whole family's health plummeted negatively, failed relationships and fake friendships, lies, hatreds, betrayals, anger, temptations, death. Nothing seems to surprise me anymore after all the hiccups happening this year. Before, I used to trust people and let people in slowly in my life. Nowadays, the barrier can never be removed, neither will it crack or shatter. No one is allowed in. Not even my family. I'm going to hide everything in this humanoid form. It's set. I'm giving up my hopes and dreams. For I know none will give me satisfaction, none will make me happy. Pursuing my masters or PhD will just be a memory, a dream I once dreamed when I was more sane, in love, and thought of the future. Now, its just a day at a time.

On a lighter and happier note, I just realized I look hella good in yellow :)

And pardon me, I've lost so much weight I'm kinda upset about it because my clothes don't fit so well now :( see my angular arms! Darn!

On the first page of our story

the future seemed so bright

then this thing turned out so evil

I don't know why I'm still surprised

even angels have their wicked schemes

and you take that to new extremes

but you'll always be my hero

even though you've lost your mind

Now there's gravel in our voices

glass is shattered from the fight

in this tug of war, you'll always win

even when I'm right

because you feed me fables from your hand

with violent words and empty threats

and it's sick that all these battles

are what keeps me satisfied

So maybe I'm a masochist

I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave

til the walls are going up

in smoke with all our memories...

p.s. If he had loved at all in the beginning, he would have called.

Holiday Bells

The holiday bells are chiming... I can smell the sweet scent wafting through my bedroom windows every morning. Ahh... the bliss of not having to worry for the next exam paper is ecstatic. Finished my last paper on Friday and boy, what a tough one that was. I might just scrap the essential marks to secure a Credit, but a Distinction seems miles away. Oh wells, no point weeping over spilled milk, its done and over with.

Christmas came early this year. Loving my presents so much.

1. Duffy Bear all the way from Tokyo Disneyland *hearts*

2. Mustard color simple dress from Doublewoot

3. Yellow Scallop Tube dress from ASOS UK

Been so into yellow colored apparels for the past few days after noticing my wardrobe lacks them. And bright chili red too. Bought a red tube dress earlier but was afraid the lady in red would attract too much attention, hence the pile up in the wardrobe.

I know I've been babbling about projects that I want to work on during the holidays. They are just small minor projects I do as an extension to my extensive range of hobbies I delved in ever since the breakup in May. Well, first things first. I need to learn how to work on those projects. Like seriously learn! It was a blessing I decided not to work during the 3 months holidays. I seriously need a break from the engineering/study life. And Swinburne too. Every time I set foot in Swinburne, its pure mental fear clouding my mind. I was afraid of seeing his aunt's OKY9081, afraid of bumping into him anywhere in the campus, afraid of hearing his voice, afraid of friends and acquaintances mentioning his name. Deh... I missed him dearly but he has moved on. It's pathetic that I'm still here. :(

Anyways, the projects that I'll be itching on during the holidays are:
1. Carpentering DIY works, making furniture to spice up my home and apartment
2. Tailoring! Managed to get the old sewing machine working the other day. So yea, gotta start making clothes for my toys and myself. :D
3. Testing the capabilities of the N8 in shooting HD films. I know I seriously lack the knowledge in this field, but hey I'll learn. Silent films coming up. Acted by yours truly.
4. Photography, not camwhoring. The N8 12mp camera is stunningly beautiful, especially in taking macro shots. Hmph, the other capabilities have not been tested yet, but I'll get to it someday. And fret not, a DSLR is coming pretty soon too. *winks*
5. Hitting the gym again. After the breakup, I lost a staggering 20 pounds. And when I was very sick, I lost another 10 pounds. However, I gained those sick pounds back when I felt better and the medication started working. Woohoo. But I think I wanna stick to being a 110. Even though my clothes are loose right now, I'm a newbie tailor for heaven's sake! :D

Had more projects but I'll just blog about this few first. The rest requires more equipment and stuff, so yea I'll postpone them when I have what I require.

Lately, I've been having midnight binge eating. But I hope they don't contribute to weight gain. Been munching on crisps, sultanas, salad etc... And what I'm having now?

Crisps lettuce with tomatoes and croutons with slices of camembert cheese *sinful*

Ahhhh..............................................................................................................................

Happy Holidays y'all!

xoxo

*hearts*

Loving my new phone :) I don't think that He wants the other set, so any takers?

Now I've got a reason to camwhore... after ditching that hobby for 8 months! :D welcome back, my beloved pastime.

Sorry for not being blessed with long slender arms, but at least I'm blessed with legs that stretches a mile... I hope?

Been so nosed up in lots of side projects lately. I know i'm not supposed to be torturing myself as I have not recovered completely, but hey I love what I do now.

Stay tune~

By Chance

By chance...
People walk in and out of our lives...
And they leave significant remnants behind...
As long as there is breath left in the body...
Never give up, coz you can change something.
I wanna change something...
And by chance, it was you.
So, no matter how much pain I have to go through again...
I'm not giving up till that day...
That day, when everything has become worthwhile.

Untitled

My body is failing... it wouldn't take anything...
Am currently under 120 pounds... and it keeps dropping.
I can't even consume any solid food without throwing up.
All medications ceased to work their magic.
When is this going to stop? When?
I hope the last dose works.
*fingers crossed*

ps. I asked whether He would visit me, and He said "I don't care". I hope I'll be able to return to uni soon.

Shed A Tear

Listen and watch this two videos <3

Definitions

Memories kept flashing by... Wondering why they did? Is it nostalgia? Was it a longing?

It's difficult to accept the truth when there isn't any truth in it at all. He once told me why he fell in love with me last year. But what would you do when you found out a year's worth of relationship and 6 months apart, that all those were just pure lies? What would you do if you found out that you were just being pushed around back then, and the only reason he 'liked' me was purely a joke among his friends? That certainly explains the reason why he was smelling my signature on the attendance list of CIC class, his awkward facial expressions when we had McD together for the first time, the look on his face when he talked to me about something personal. It wasn't a longing, it wasn't genuine, they were purely jokes to humor himself and his friends. I finally recognised the face of doubt, the face of fear, the face of lies.

Definitions of life. Live while you can, because you will never know when your time is up. Having to face a very difficult 2010, it's good to become stronger. And wiser.

Definitions of emo. Crying for hours till my eyes dried up. Eyes all red and swollen. Crying till my whole body started shaking, migraine kicks in, and I can't even get up anymore. Trying to get up but falls, bumping my head, hips, anywhere, bruising myself without feeling the pain, because the pain inside is so much more unbearable than the pain outside. Lying on the floor motionless, staring into the blank space. Lying in bed having sleepless nights, waking up the next day with blood on the pillow. Losing lots of beauty sleep, losing 10kgs in 2 months. Failing health. Rapid hair loss, cracked skin. Bad loss of nutrition. Gastric ulcers and constant vomiting. Not being able to perform the normal daily routine. A lost soul wandering, moving around aimlessly. The inability to feel anything anymore, laugh for the sake of laughing, smile for the sake of smiling. But truly, I never feel anything inside anymore. Everything is dead. That is the damage you caused me. After everything I thought I knew about you, was all a lie. I thought it was the right thing to do, making excuses for you, making excuses that you were the best thing that has ever happened to me. But its difficult to keep lying to myself. When will I stop lying to myself? When will I stop making excuses for you?

Even I cannot tell myself when. I would like to remember the good, and forget the bad. But now, even the good I remembered, turned out to be bad. They were all lies. Who am i to trust?

A Wet Saturday Afternoon

"Never look back," we said How was I to know I'd miss you so? Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind Where do I go? And you didn't hear All my joy through my tears All my hopes through my fears Did you know, still I miss you somehow From the bottom of my broken heart There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know You were my first love, you were my true love From the first kisses to the very last rose From the bottom of my broken heart Even though time may find me somebody new You were my real love, I never knew love 'Til there was you From the bottom of my broken heart "Baby," I said, "please stay. Give our love a chance for one more day" We could have worked things out Taking time is what love's all about But you put a dart Through my dreams through my heart And I'm back where I started again Never thought it would end You promised yourself But to somebody else And you made it so perfectly clear Still I wish you were here

Thank you Britney Spears for the awesome song to listen to during a rainy afternoon. Sitting here alone at my terrace, looking at the 4 little kittens sleeping under the BBQ pit. I couldn't feel anything anymore. Not even a bit of sympathy. All i feel is anger. Angry that the useless mother just left her litter of kittens here. Such irresponsible parent. Just like someone's. How could parents become so irresponsible? If its coming from animals, i practically understand as they are not being gifted with the gift to think. But duh, what about maternal instinct? Hmph... I guess in this world, more human parents are beginning to act like animals. What a sad world this it, ain't it?

I wanna pour some milk for the kittens, give them an old rag, put them in a box. But I do not feel any love towards these kittens. Puppies might be a different story altogether. Whats wrong with me? Where did my emotions went to? It seems the only emotion i can feel right now is anger. Guess I really did became heartless. A robot. Maybe the wound hasn't been healed yet. Maybe...

The kittens at the pit. With those blue-round goblin-liked eyes, its a wonder what their DNA would be. I might just put this kittens up for adoption tomorrow, or dump them at the recycling center. Heartless I know, but I seriously do not like cats! Haih... but pity them, for they do not know why they were born into this world. Stupid kitten parents! =.=

On a personal note, never trust somebody who promised you the world, but threatens to destroy your life after that. It's not worth it.

PS. Kittens are still available. Holla back if anybody wants to adopt them. FREE OF CHARGE!

Salmon FishFest!

As mentioned in the Borneo Post today, 1 of the 5 things women should eat more is salmon! Yes! I totally love salmon. That reddish, sweetish, tender and juicy fillet... *salivates*

Salmon Toro Piri - Piri Don

Sake Sushi

Went to Sushi King the other day for their November Salmon Promo. Vowing to try everything on the menu! If my stomach permits! :)

And its more filling to eat Don than normal sushis... hmph... Don Don! I'm coming back to see you soon! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...................................

Riding Like A G6

Missing the cold KL air whipping through my hair...
Riding like a G6 in an M6 is ecstasy...
Wishing he would walk through that door everytime I called...
A wish shall always remain a wish.
And it shall never come true.
But I shall cherish those moments together.
Because it was the day I changed for the better.
:)

Forget It

Tomorrow, it will be a year and a month since i was the happiest in my life. His birthday was the most memorable event in my entire life. Seeing him in tears of joyfulness and happiness, I knew I could spent my entire lifetime loving this guy. For once, I knew what it meant to love somebody so much till you could barely breathe. I thought this was just some lyrics sang by a singer, too stupor in love. But being there and experiencing it, love is so wonderful. God gave me a wonderful gift, a gift in the form of *****. And sadly, i didn't cherished it enough. He came to my life unexpectedly, brightening my days with colors no templates have. He gave me the reason to love, to live. He gave me a whole new perspective in life, one that I never considered chancing myself upon, even if i had no choice. He, the power to move and change me, has left. Back then when he left, i was too afraid to get on my two feet again, wobbling and struggling for support. I held my hands out, but there was no one to grab it, nothing to hold. I was grasping out into thin air. All i felt was the coldness.

All this happened by my own accord. It was all my fault. If i hadn't wavered in faith, things wouldn't have been what it became. But they always remind me, if he is yours, he will always be yours. And sadly he isn't. He belongs to another. He was just here to shake me up, make me realize the world is a beautiful place after all. I have to keep reminding myself day and night that he doesn't belong to me. He belongs to that dancer with graceful legs, skin white like porcelain, face so perfect like a China doll, body as sexy as Scarlett Johansson, hair as fragrant as the sea of flowers in the field. He is hers. Not mine. Injecting all these thoughts into mind, I thought it was easier to let go. But it doesn't work at all. It doesn't. Not even 1%. All i can think was... he is not the person i used to love before. He changed. But you can't blame him after what I did to him. I won't forgive myself for that. A friend said, until you learn to forgive yourself, you will never let go. And I have yet to do that.

I missed him so dearly my heart sometimes palpitates so fast I swore a heart attack would come sooner or later. The emotional tremor i feel inside; seeing pictures of him and his new beau, seeing him and experiencing how he treats me like a vermin, like i'm not fit to walk pass him, seeing him get so choked up, torturing himself. I wish he could be very happy. I wish he would with her. I hope he will. I feel so guilty putting him in that position earlier in this year. I shouldn't have. It was a test of my judgment and faith, and i have failed endlessly. Thus, I'll just lead my mousey life, tunneling and burrowing deeper into my hole. Until I can forgive myself, i would never crawl to the surface.

I need a getaway, a place away from Kuching for the time being. I can't bear seeing his face, his father's face, his aunts, remnants of him around me. I need to leave so dearly. I need to. My drastic weight loss isn't because i wanna be slim, i wanna be hot or sexy, no. Its because of the tremendous stress i'm in now. If only he would know. If only he didn't hung up on me. If only he would understand and forgive me. But what could have been will always remain as what could have been. It was then. There is no way i can turn back the time and done it better. A friend asked, if you can turn back time to those days, will you have treated him better? My answer still remains the same. I cannot, because anyone in my position would have done the same, maybe slightly better. So now, I shall learn to forget. Forgive and forget. It takes time, but i'll go through it. I promise.

Annihilation Day 33: Armageddon

Just had my mid-term test for Transport and boy it was hell. Spent too much time on the CIRCLY software and the answer still stay the same. Neglected the questions at the back. Darn. There goes my HD for the subject. Now, Cost Assignment 2 is my main priority. Couldn't let myself get bad results even I am taking 3 subjects a semester.

It's these sort of times where I missed you the most. Everytime I heard my name being spoken of, I get this sensation that "Hey, he still loves me after all". But I know all those are just merely dreams. Dreams that are never reality. Never going to come true. I doubt he ever loved me then or now. Took me a huge hit on the face to realize that very fact.

But it all comes down to this. I am stronger than yesterday and the day before. Stronger than my past. And nothing's gonna bring me down. Although I have yet to move on, but I know in my heart, there's only one person. As the days pass, he will be etched away slowly. 3 years the limit. Prayers answered.

Annihilation Day 1: He said, She said

He said:
Baby I love you
No one else comes close to you
No one makes me feel the way you do
You're so special girl to me
And you'll always be eternally
Every time I hold you near
You always say the words I love to hear
Girl with just a touch you can do so much
No one else comes close
I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

She said:
And you were more than just a handsome face
But how you fooled me, I'm still amazed baby
But I should have known that I would be
Another victim of your sexuality
But now we're done and over with
You started going out with your so-called friends
But I was so blind and I lost all common sense
But there were things that made me realize
Like all the hundred no, thousand lies

He said:
Don't want you back
Coz you're no good for me, I know
That's all I can say
Don't want you back
Forgive my honesty but you gotta go
I don't want you back

She said:
Open up your heart to me
And say what’s on your mind
I know that we have been through so much pain
But I still need you in my life this time
I need you tonight
I need you right now
I know deep within my heart
It doesn’t matter if it’s wrong or right
I really need you tonight

He said:
Don't want you back
Coz you're no good for me, I know
That's all I can say
Don't want you back
Forgive my honesty but you gotta go
I don't want you back

She said:
I figured out what to say to you
But sometimes the words they come out so wrong
And I know in time that you will understand
That what we have is so right this time

He said:
Don't want you back
Coz you're no good for me, I know
That's all I can say
Don't want you back
Forgive my honesty but you gotta go
I don't want you back

Conclusion:
When a guy said no, no means no. Forever.
When a girl said no, no means yes, come back please. And she will keep waiting.

Man are from Mars and women are from Earth.

Day 108: Closed

A chapter has closed. An epic adventure begins.

It begins with annihilation.

Day 101: Heartfelt Condolences

Heartfelt condolences for the passing dear. Hope you are strong and can deal with it well. God bless you and family always.

It's been a while since there is anything to laugh about. But hearing people discussing you behind your back is something i do not condone. And to whom that I'm referring to, you know who you are. I won't let you off the hook. You'll get it someday :)

Bro just graduated having received his exam results yesterday. Congratulations to him. First graduate from the maternal side. Happy are we :)

On a darker note, trouble is a friend oh trouble is a friend I know.... OH!

Day 99: Dread

And there you have it. A family torn apart. Being together only meant coming together as a family, but nothing more. Conversations seized to exist, love and care reduced to mere specks of dust. What happen to them? What went wrong? Silence echoed across the glass surface. Something I could never decipher. I'm torn. Torn between who should i support, who should i choose to support me. It's hard when you have a tough year behind you, and more ahead of you. Moving on seems to be the most appropriate thing i should do now, but i kept lingering on and wishing i had that stronghold i once have in him. But then I'll try to be strong. I need to stand on my two feet. I used to wobble, sprain my ankles when standing on my own two feet. But now it seems i will be capable of it. I need to. Throw away all the memories and let them fly with the wind. Life is never fair. Wishing tomorrow would be a brighter day. A brighter and happy one. Because today, is the first time i shed tears... crying myself to sleep again.

Day 88: A new dawn

Am currently addicted to shopping. My trip to KK was a fun one, mainly because i love the cool ocean's breeze. Daddy couldn't stand the heat and Bro couldn't stand the long walks. Mum was a bit heated up as the condominium deal didn't get through. Darn. Anyways KK is a lovely place to go. Food a bit pricey but maybe that's just because we were eating in the town area. Location matters. Miss the breeze and also Tuaran Mee. Oh my saliva drools... I can see myself retiring there, sitting on the deck facing the bay, with warm breeze blowing through my hair while enjoying a sip of hot chocolate and reading my favorite novel. Shopping was a bit bad over there seemingly KL is still my numero uno shopping haven. But with online stores these days, normal shopping can be skipped. Currently looking for a super comfy jumper. Hope i'll find one soon :) Life has been good to me the past few days. Sleep deprivation does not appear in my vocabulary anymore. Yippie! Learning to appreciate and love myself more because you can never love another unless you have learnt to love yourself first. That is my motto! Been buying some eye gel to remove the dark circles around my eyes as well as getting rid of that all time panda look. Works well thanks to Garnier for their superb invention at an affordable price :) Been swimming a hell lot lately. Been getting so tanned but its cool. Gonna gunner for a beautiful bikini tanned line soon. Joy to the max. Hehe. Well be heading off to the doctors in the afternoon for my medical checkup. Hope everything is fine this time. Might be checking out the beach after that. Been long since i feel the sand between my toes... Such bliss i longed for. It has been a month since i last cried. I feel different. Like somewhat a new person. People coming to me for advice and all seems so surreal being that the breakup was not something to cry about. It is a new dawn for me. A new beginning. I can be myself. Be someone happy and carefree. Though i'd shamelessly say i really do miss that sort of life but what do you expect? A change for the better is always good :) I'd still miss him though. Every night he appears in my prayers, in my dreams. Every night i remember his forlorn looks staring glassy eyed at something i that never seems to materialized in my dreams. Its a hard nutshell to crack but i did not try to. I know by finding out the truth, it will be more harm than good. If love was something that can be bought, i will save up every penny until i find one. I love him. But only I would know that. It seems awkward being the person being laughed at. Being made fun of. But all those things will end one day. They will pay for their deeds so much as they deserve. A new dawn begins... right now.

Day 69: The real holiday begins

Its been the 69th day... i woke up feeling physically and mentally drained from cramming 500+ pages of marketing in my brain. It is a very dry subject albeit the lecturer being extremely warm and nice to us. The thoughts pounding through my brain, i need a D, i need a D! At least... I couldn't shower after i woke up, feeling so tired to move my bum to the bathroom. Pop a Q-10 pill and continued studying till 8 am. Left to university with fingers crossed, full of prayers and an empty stomach. Oh the groans and the churns, deafening the sound resounding behind my head. Last night i had a super fuzzy dream. Dreamed i reconciled with Mr. A. It was vivid yet difficult to believe that it was ever to come true. From the way he has been ever since the break up, no msgs, no calls, no replies. He completely ignores me like i am just some wrong number. Yea i admit i meant nothing to him. He admits it too. Oh wells. I stepped into the freezing exam hall with Nerida, talking bout the possibilities of what would come out in the exams. True to our words, spot on! Was so happy and praised the Lord. He made me smile :) I love Jesus hehe.

Came home and slopped on my bed. Felt so tired. I don't know why the sudden drained in energy. So i came online and check what dreams meant (i do not believe them but it is cool to read once in a while). Dreaming of an ex coming back, reconciliation just means that maybe we might be getting back together in the future, or simply, its a preconceived wish i always have :( Gah... 69 days and i am still not over him?!?! Haih... i still miss him so much. And it is sad to say that i really, truly do love him even after everything that happens. I could not find it in myself to hate him. I feel so weak and stupid :( Mummy say do not turn back once its over but i know i keep turning back. The road ahead leads to empty dreams coz he is not in it. Stupid me.

Now is my first day where i can care free and worry less as its the holidays!!! Holiday plans coming up :)

Day 51: Expect the Unexpected

Free day from class. The Aussies had a visit to the Cultural Village and Damai Beach today. I was stuck visiting the hospital. Bro had a stroke. It was undeniable that our family had history of it., with mum having stroke a month back. Thus I was put under investigation as well. That sucks big time having to go under the scrutiny of doctors probing at your hands and nerves checking for reactions, hating the needles going in and out of the skin, hating scans which takes hours to do, and most importantly, hating the medications. Bah... But i grew stronger. With mum and bro like that, i have to be strong, coz i have no support anymore. Previously, Mr. A would be my pillar of strength, somebody i would turn to in times of support and need. And now when even if i tell him, he curses me family. So why should i?

For me, i think marketing is a subject worth pursuing. Even though i have nil experience in marketing, it seems to be an exciting subject to learn as compared to design electives. I am glad i made my choice :) 9 more classes to go, 1 test this Friday, a major assignment to be completed and two presentations coming up... i am counting the days :)

p.s. 14 days to exam results publication. Weeeee :) Oh i hate the Wees'

Day 47: Mistakes

Life is full of mistakes... For the first time in my life, i get to experienced a hell lot of mistakes and a hell lot of lessons to be learnt. This mistakes help make me into a better person in the future, help shape and nurture me to be stronger. Thus, what i have learned in this semester is:

1. A nice guy isn't necessary a good guy. For example, Mr. A is a very nice guy. But he isn't a good guy. Looks can be deceiving. He treats me nice. But he is never serious. And he never meant anything he said. Empty promises and lies. But he is nice. But nice doesn't equal good.

2. Childish actions leads to disaster. Being stupid and childish and assuming things will go my way, troubles brew. And sad to say, the people having to deal with them are equally childish as well. That's why everything became that way. Kudos to Mr. S for being the only mature person of the bunch. Also... when you put two childish people together, its time for the puppies to fall in love.

3. Threatening leads to nowhere. I just learned that threatening somebody leads to nowhere. Threatening to commit suicide, die and all that only causes the threatenee to dislike you even more. And whats worst, with all the pain and angst you suffer through, he will just laugh at you without any concern.

4. It is easy to forgive but not to forget. From the many experiences i've had over the years, it is easy to forgive other people but not to forget. All this while, i managed to forgive all the mean people for all their hoo-hahs. I even forgave a long hate-relationship i sustained since form 4. I forgave those jerkins who treated me like shit. Too bad they cannot be reformatted so they won't forgive me. May God be with them. However, there is one thing i cannot do, which is to forget. All this while, even though i learned to forgive, whatever pain they caused me, i will remember for life. Hence, the tendencies for me to not give in and fall into their traps anymore.

5. Always listen to your parents, they are 99% right. My biggest regret is having to not listen to my parents earlier. If i listened to them bout stuffs, i am sure i won't have to go through the fucked up relationship with Avery, won't have to deal with financial burdens, emotional distress, bad studies, immature reasoning and behaviour, and other hoo-hahs in life. They were spot on with Mr. A in the first place. They downright rejected the relationship but i was so blinded that time i could not see the facts. However, my parents are always there to support me. Never is he. All the lies and dejection i went through with that relationship, its over. And my parents are there. My family is always there for me.

6. 1st rule in a relationship. After all the mess i have been through, my first rule in the relationship has to be this: Never date a guy who puts his friends first in front of you. That is Avery. My first rule was to never date a guy who does not accept you for who you are. However, i realised that this sentiment can actually be a good thing, that is if i have to change for the better, it would benefit both parties and lead to a healthier relationship.

7. Relationships. I realised that i am not cut out to be in a relationship at all. Hence the many misunderstandings and hoo-hahs. I have no patience, childish, immature, hot tempered, indecisive, pessimistic and full of angst: all the makings which leads to a failed relationship. My previous one is a clear case to it. I won't blame Mr. A for it coz he has been a very very nice guy to me. Just nice. Thus, i hereby declare i will not get into one anymore till i finish my tertiary education and graduate. You mark my words. :)

8. Jesus. In life, we Christians need Jesus to be present. He will help us, guide us through everything. Thus we have to pray more and talk to him more. I've tried and it helps a hell lot. I'm happy with my progress in enlightenment.

9. Words are sharper than the blade. Words, when said, if not careful, can hurt more than a blade cutting through your skin. Words, are enough to shut me up, and realise i will never go back to the person saying it. Being he said peace. But he does not realise its my peace he wants but war he gives.

10. Family comes first. After a long hoo-hah, i realised that, it is wrong to question a family's belief, their acts, their virtues and what not. As we are not born and raised in that family, thus we have no right to speak our minds about them. Hence, always be patient even if one's family curses you, treats you like dirt, or angers you to the point where you just want them erased from the face of the earth.

These are the major things i get to learn during the whole one year less blogging cum relationship cum hoo-hah hiatus. I hope i'll get to learn more and grow up into a better somebody. Praise be to God. Alleluia!

ps. I still love Mr. A :(

you are worse than the devil...

can't believe i was so blind...

Separated

If love was a bird
Then we wouldn't have wings
If love was a sky
We'd be blue
If love was a choir
You and I could never sing
Cause love isn't for me and you

If love was an Oscar
You and I could never win
Cause we can never act out our parts
If love is the Bible
Then we are lost in sin
Because its not in our hearts

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

If love was a fire
Then we have lost the spark
Love never felt so cold
If love was a light
Then we're lost in the dark
Left with no one to hold

If love was a sport
We're not on the same team
You and I are destined to lose
If love was an ocean
Then we are just a stream
Cause love isn't for me and you

Boy I know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
Boy you know I love you, I can't deny
I can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I
I know it hurts so much but it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road we lost the trust
So I'll walk away so you don't have to see me cry
It's killing me so, why don't you go

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

I can't believe it....
Everything he said were lies...
Everything he promised were empty...
Everything he did was fake and out of pretense...
I have never ever been happy in my life before...
And now knowing this...
It is worst...
Who the hell is he?
Who is this person i used to love?

Untitled

When you can finally be able to put your partner in front of yourself...
When you have finally learned to deal with their anger, their emotions, their ups and downs without calling them as a burden....
When you can finally realized how much your partner is trying their best for you...
When you can finally realized that when you love someone with all your heart, you do not need them to change for you... coz you love them and accept them for who they are...
When you finally learned to forgive and mostly forget their wrongs...
When you can finally learned that your partner will stick by you, through thick and thin times...
When you have finally open your heart to your partner...
And that's when you'll be having a long lasting relationship... one that leads to marriage.

Love

I've been beaten down...
I've been kicked around...
But he takes it all for me.
And I lost my faith...
In my darkest days...
But he makes me want to believe.
When I had my days, there were all in vain...
But he waited patiently...
It was all the same...
All my pride and shame...
And he puts me back on my feet.
And when the world slows down...
And all the stars burnt out...
And all i have left is me...
And he'll be there for me.
Yes he'll be there.
They call him love, love, love, love, love...
He is love, and he is all I need.

Impossible

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take caution when it comes to love
I did, I did
And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof top
Write it on the sky of love
All we had is gone now
Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know
Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love is worst
Empty promises will wear
I know
And know when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them what i hoped from you is impossible...

Leave...

I'm here, just like I said
Though it's breaking every rule I've ever made
My racing heart, is just the same;
Why make it strong to break it once again?
And I'd love to say "I do";
Give everything to you
But I could never now be true

So I say...
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I'm here, so please explain
Why you're opening up a healing wound again
I'm a little more careful, perhaps it shows
But if I lose the highs at least I'm spared the lows
Now I tremble in your arms
What could be the harm?
To feel my spirit calm?

So I say...
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I wouldn't know how to say
How good it feels seeing you today
I see you've got your smile back
Like you say - you're right on track
But you may never know why
Once bitten, twice as shy
If I'm proud, perhaps I should explain
I couldn't bear to loose you again

Yes, I will.
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper...
I think I better leave right now

Random Updates

Was so caught up with studies lately that i decided to take a break from studying for a few hours. Was going through the massive amount of photos i have in my handphone (with lots of self-potraits ahem) and came across few food pictures that i have forgotten to upload when i was free-ER then. So, thou shall whet thy appetites with these :)

Dried fruits and nuts health muffin - no egg, no butter, no sugar. Amazing things i can do with my home made recipes :)

Fried kolo mee for lunch - cooked a whole stove and finished it in 2 meals. Greedy people arent we?

Humongous mushroom quiche - My brother's favourite. Wondering whether baby boy loves it? It was superbly thick and creamy. But i seriously need to cut down on the cream to avoid fat-ness.

Homemade beef noodles - I love home made beef noodles with tendons, beef cubes, beef balls and some potatoes. Oh so yummy when its warm :)

Filo surprise parcel - Filo pastry wrapped around generous portions of mince beef and mushrooms sauteed with celery, carrots and yes parsley :( but taste oh so good im making more this coming week coz my brother is back home!!! The greedy boyfie gobbled this down so fast ba :( was wondering was it horror to the max? OWH NO!!! :(

Chilli Prawns which werent chilli after all - Im sorry i cooked small portions because the fact is my family aint a huge eater. bleh. Look at those huge succulent prawns =.= Im hungry now buu

So with my stomach grumbling now... i shall grab some oats and continue studying! :( sadness life. rawr~~~

Its the End

I feel like ive done my best and get nothing back...
I feel its one-sided and there is no reception...
I feel useless i cant play my part...
I feel tired and unappreciated...
I feel like its all over and im just a wooden doll...
Its the end of everything...

White Day

Today is White Day. The day celebrated after 1 month of Valentine's Day. Its a day where girls represent gifts to guys as an expression of love or courtesy for the gifts males bought during Valentine's Day. However it is vice versa if girls gave presents first. Its a day full of happiness but i feel so alone. So depressed...

I should have just followed the South Koreans to celebrate Black Day. Gloom.

Thats the biggest insult you've given me...

Quiche

Was grounded at home during the Chinese New Year coz im fat and im not allowed gassy drinks and all those junkfood bleh!!! My ang pao also gone this year... NO ANG PAOS at all... what kind of celebration is this haih... with boredom setting in... i decided i go back to baking... so today, i baked mushroom quiche!!! Dont lick the screen please =P

Im saving that as my wallpaper. hehe... toodles...

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile and my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know
I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I 'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone
I'll be gone...

Im sitting here alone in the dark...

Stretching my hands out...

But no one is there to hold it...

Im all by myself...

All alone.

Emo

Its the time...

Its the time of the year... to bake!!! Baking has always been my passion. Well, baking is more of a stress reliever to me. Many people find comfort and solace through gardening, exercising, going to the beach etc... For me... its baking. OH THE JOY OF BAKING! So since this is my first terrible depression this year, i decided to try out my own recipe that i mix and match from various recipes :) So...To start the year 2010, i decided to make bacon and cheese quiche!!!! Here they are :)

I hope i didnt make anybody wet their keyboards... hehe... Gotta save some for the baby next week. Its simply savoury and lovely!!! :) Though i might prefer if the crust doesnt crumble so much. Any ideas? :)

xoxo

Happy New Year...

Its going to be a long year ahead... after leaving the worst year behind... time passes by ever so fast till we do not recognize who we have turned into. Looking back over our shoulders, we stare at photos wondering who could that be when it was actually our own self all along. Time passes so fast and we never got the chance to go back. Once you let go of that chance, it might not come along anymore. Even once in a blue moon, happened just recently... its just once in a million years. Our bodies are decayed by then. So its wise to grab every opportunity there is in the future and do not let it go to waste. Do not lament over the past as there is nothing we can do about it. Whats left is the future. However, it is sad to see somebody else living your life. Living the life that you always dreamt of. It wasnt impossible for you, but you let the chance go over other things. Its sad to see the person who you detest living that life. It was mine. But yours to live. Its just pathetic. Though theres nothing wrong with my life now... Nothing wrong is so much wrong by itself. It is unfathomable. My resolution never changes. Lose weight, good grades, harmonious family, and good health. Wisdom and wealth. Once was boyfriend. Now is the future. Theres oh so much things left to do. So plan our time wisely, before everything falls through our fingers.