20 Things I Did Before I Turn 21

Everyone grows each and every day. And before you knew it, we grew from a crawling baby to a stumbling toddler, a child running to his mum's embrace, walking, making friends with fellow schoolmates, and finally finishing our education and entering adulthood. Ah the bliss of having to live under one roof with our parents for years! And in a few more years to come, we would be moving out and start the whole family cycle again with someone else. In every person, growing up is full of memories, whether being painstakingly bitter, cherry-sweet goodness or just something nobody wants to remember, they are still memories one should cherish to be a better person in the future. So to countdown to the big 21, I decided to reminiscence back to the 20 things I did with my life so far before I hit the big number. All pictures are made into collage to save space! HAHA.

1. Puppy! OMG I couldn't stopped grinning while I typed this post. Its been a long time since I wanted a puppy. Last year, I almost gotten the Maltese from Amazing Pets and called it Munkey Superstar. However, it wasn't 'destined' to be mine, so a lady practically took it away from me while I was playing with it in the store :( How sad I was back then. That time, mum didn't allow me to rear one. I remembered asking Avery for permission whether I could keep it in his car temporarily until I managed to persuade my mum into keeping it. Haha funny idea but hey, I was totally in love with it ok? A year after that, a bundle of fur came and brighten up the entire family during the Christmas season. Hunter came into our lives, and most importantly, my life. He was the light bringer. LOL what a description. Anyways, he filled up an empty and solemn place in my heart. And I love him to bits! See how big and fat he is? :)


2. Health. Its been a tough 2010 when the entire family was down with sicknesses, illnesses, and bad luck. But we pulled through and hello 2011. We pray that the new year will be so much better. For the 2nd time in my life, I had a CAT scan. Went through an MRI scan but it was less scarier compared to CAT. Visiting the hospital so frequently till it became the most traveled location for our family in 2010. Had a phobia of injections but once you get it so often, its painless. I think my family spent at least 50k on checkups and medications for the entire year. Gosh that shucks! But anyways, whole family is in the pink now, and the storm has gently passed. Praise the Lord.

3. Engineering. Engineering is something I hardly dreamed to pursue. I always wanted to be a dentist, pulling out teeth using pliers! HAHAHAHA... But leaving no choice as I was banned from applying JPA scholarship, I had to settle with Engineering in Swinburne. And for once in my life, I'm glad I did the course. Especially in Swinburne. It brought great things to me, let me meet new people, and see life in a whole new perspective. Though there are tonnes of things which makes me dissatisfied with Swinburne, for example the parking spaces, the lousy management system and so on so forth, learning there has been a great experience. And speaking of the management! GRRRRR... lets not go into there shall we?


4. Shopping. Shopping is an addiction. And a very expensive hobby. Before I set foot into university, I couldn't care less what I was wearing, how disgusting I looked like, or how fat I was. But with the evolving stream of electronics and cyber system, shopping has made its way online a couple years ago. And when I was first introduced to it, I was so happy! Though I'd honestly say it got me vainer, more self conscious and yada yada, it definitely helps in boosting my self confidence. Besides that, shopping has been an outlet where I would go when I'm stressed out. Its a retail therapy that every other girls do when they're worn out, right? RIGHT??? Last year was the worst OMFG! My whole year of spending could actually dress a 24 door longhouse with 120 occupants for a week! ZzZz... THIS has got to stop when I hit the big 21. And the pics below is like only 1/5 of what I bought? GEE... :(


5. Australia. The first foreign country I set foot in was the Land Down Under. It was in 2004? Stayed there for months! Went around Brisbane and Sydney, seeing how the ang mohs live their lives. Totally an eye opener and an experience. Living in another country was a truly great experience. Not only the food differs, the culture and the lifestyle was a total hoo haa for me back then. It is nothing like what they portray in TVs. You have to be there to believe it. I gladly remembered the Nike I had, which I stepped on kangaroo's poop when being chased by a wild drake, and transported the poop all the way back to Kuching, and few days later got stolen by thieves. Damn my beloved shoes. What a great experience. :) I'd love to go back to Hyde Park, take a stroll under the falling leaves of autumn. Truly a great scene, right out from the movies! Ahhh... how I wish I could stay overseas again.... *Dreamy eyes*

6. Driving a Car. I know I know driving a car isn't a big deal, but hey... I have always been the youngest in class because I skipped a grade back in the days. So having to not being able to drive a car when all your peers do is something you long for. And when I finally gotten the chance to drive a car, I met with 3 self accidents in the first 6 months of obtaining my license. HAHA funny right? =.= Luckily nobody was hurt, nor the damage was bad. Self accident ma... I think I did knock a few other cars, but just minor scratches on my car, but bad for the others. ESPECIALLY PROTON WIRA! The body of the car is like Milo Tin, so fragile and easily dented. ZzZzzzzz...

7. Baking. I may not be an awesome cook, I am an awesome baker! :D Baking is another outlet for me to release my stress, besides being a hobby when I am utterly bored to the bones! Only 10% of my baking goes inedible, whereas the other 90% are totally mouth watering and sumptuous! I can bake from cheesecakes to tarts, biscuits to crisps, muffins to cupcakes... though i haven't tried bread making. But I'm definitely gonna pursue baking to a higher level in the future, maybe baking for sell? :) Who knows what lies ahead.



8. Fallen in and out of love. Yes, yours truly here has been in love for the very first time of her life. I can honestly say that my first ever true relationship where I had mutual feelings and love for was with Avery. He made me see the world in different colors. He brought music into my tone deaf world. He has something that nobody ever had before. And it was love. But all good things must come to an end. And yes, it was the best one year of my life. And I thank you for that, Avery. I'm not sorry that it is over, but for the way we let things end. Our love wasn't strong enough to pull us through the mishaps. And you definitely deserved someone way better than me. I'd just wish I never made you cry. I'm sorry for that. Its good to know that you are better off with somebody else right now. But I'll still honestly say, I'll always love you. I missed you.



9. Friends. Throughout all these years, I made lots of new friends and lost some. However, those that remains after all these while are those whose memories I'll always cherish. Hoping the friendship will last in years to come.



10. Prom. I've always had this fear of going to prom. Fear of looking horrible in my gown, fear of falling down and exposing the nude, fear of wardrobe malfunctions etc. People have a general perception that prom is supposed to be for those with partners, and I daresay it isn't. Its a night to have lots of fun. Avery once promised me he would take me to the prom, but instead he took Keryn. Its all good nonetheless. Went with a bunch of friends and managed to enjoy an hour of prom before having to go back feeling sick and collapsing before I knew it. Thank God nobody knew about it except close friends. Had to skip school for the next two weeks. Whoa that's one prom memory to be cherished. So far, I have been to 3 proms, 1 back in Form 5, another in First Year and the last in my 3rd year. I'm not entirely sure I'm going in my Final Year, but I'll try to go. Wanna look my best and enjoy before I'm leaving for the working life.


11. Fear. In my entire life, I never learned to swim due to the fear of drowning. Every time I set foot in the cold freezing waters of the swimming pool, I'll immediately froze up, numbness washing all that's inside of me. However, last year, I took up the challenge. It was after realizing that there is nothing else to lose anymore, what with the mishaps in the family, love, life. It came to a point that if drowning could lead to death, I won't have to suffer anymore. But having said that, I took the challenge and learned swimming from Jaron. And a month later, I could swim. Though I still had the phobia of treading into deep waters, I'll always stick to the 1.5m depth :)

12. Business. I know it's no common thing going on with normal teenagers out there, but I'm proud to say that at the age of 18, I started my own online business selling clothes. It grew slowly, merely from selling ready stock clothes, to practically anything right now. Bags, shoes, clothes, jewelries, etc... I'm hoping to register my business legally when I turn 21 this year, and by the time I'm out from university, I'm hoping I can open my own boutique as a side income mainly sprung out from mere interest and passion in fashion. Its never too late to realize your dreams!

13. Exotic foods. Duh, my life is all about eating... I've tried lots of unusual exotic foods that friends go ewww... or give me that disgusted sort of look. My motto when eating is, anything that is edible can be eaten, anything cooked la. Throughout my life, I've even tried to fry cowgrass and eat but eww, its so tough I could barely chew. Yucks yucks. I've eaten creepy crawlies, snakes, snails, wildlife meat, and anything imaginable. Try asking what I've eaten, you'd be surprised! :)

14. LEE CHONG WEI! I seriously don't know where I kept the photos, but I've met Lee Chong Wei and Wong Mew Choo in Kuching years back and I took photos with them! Even Datuk Misbun Sidek too. Speaking of famous people, badminton players are soooooo my idols! *hearts*

15. Injuries. I've broken my arm, broken my ankles, sprained my knee, pulled a hamstring, slit my wrist and lots of other injuries to a point I don't feel pain as much as before. Call me bionic woman yea!

16. Investment. Never say its too young to start, I already did. Making investments in life is important as it can ensure you a backup on rainy days. I've made the biggest investment in my entire life a week before I turn 21. Have you?

17. Stupidity. HAHA I know everyone has gone through this phase of life. There was a time when I was so inquisitive, I chewed on tissue paper to get a taste of it, pulled my hair out to count how many strains of hair I have on my head, bought 463 plush toys which now I'm wondering where the heck I'm gonna put them once I move out etc. I even tried my puppy's dog food and boy do they taste good! I even blew my entire month's worth of paycheck splurging on shoes and clothes and toys... stupid me?

18. The haunting. This is one memory which I would never ever ever want to rekindle. When I was having my National Service training back in the days, our whole cohort stayed in a haunted dormitory. Every night, we get disturbances from headless spirits and other sorts of supernatural nasties. I was soooo afraid that time I begged my parents to pull me out from the camp. And they did eventually when my roommate sleeping on my left was being possessed by one. OMG you can't imagine the trauma =.=

19. Stayed away from my parents. Yes I was homesick that time. Being away from my family for a whole freaking month due to National Service was a torment. Ever since I was young, I never stayed away from them. In a way, they didn't want me far from them if they can. But NS was an exception. It was compulsory. Partly a reason why I never made it overseas because of this attachment. I really do envy all those who came from afar to study in a foreign land, how I admire their steadfast courage and bravery to live all by themselves unprotected by their stronghold. Oh the jealousy!

20. My first kiss. Yeap. A memory not to be diminished. It was in the elevator of Swinburne carpark. Aww... No more details shucks!

And there you have it the 20 things I've done and accomplished before I turned 21. Turning 21 is just another step in life. What's change? Nothing much. BTW, THANKS DAD for the first ever original COACH bag :) *hugs*

I'm gonna splurge on something big soon. Wait for it yea!

xoxo
Amber

Summing up 2008~~~

Many pictures ahead... sorry for the lag in loading the tremendous amounts of photos. :) nothing much i can describe in words but pictures do speak a thousand words. The pictures totally sums up what ive been doing throughout the 2nd semester all the way till the end of the year 2008. The first half of the year can be track back throughout my older posts. Pardon me for the lack of updates in this few months because i have been terribly busy with uni, assignments, badminton, and life crisis. They practically left me with not enough time to sleep as well as updating my blog. And also another reason is that i simply do not know what else to blog about. Ideas wouldnt materialize in my head anymore. Guess im too blur now eh? Studying Maths 3C now is a real pain. Though im lovin it~~~ so lets get on with the pics.

In the 2nd semester... CEP was the biggest time consuming subject i have ever met throughout my life. It ate up my weekends. Because of this subject, im in uni on Saturdays and Sundays and also staying back till 11pm at times. Gosh... Nevertheless, i love the people i get to know through this subject...


My crazy group members = Xiao Jin, Sharifah, Elaine, Shana, Calvin, Clement, Adrian, and Wilson. Xiao Jin just left for Melbourne 2 days ago. Gonna miss her laughter so much. It sucks to know someone new and then you see them leaving you. Haih...


Missing Mr. Macho here... badminton buddy as well... =D


Wilson the Pimp. Miss you guys a lot!!!

With CEP out of the way... stress keeps building up without any signs of stopping throughout the year. Exams came and go... but the stress stays. Stressing the results to be out... even though its the holidays now... im still stressing for whatsoever reason... haih... and i find consolation in the form of indulging in food.


Manhattan Seafood Platter for two... a must have when im so so stressed out that i need to pig myself...


My turtle cheesecake slice for someone who didnt even bother to show up. It tastes good nevertheless, and from that slice, i met 2 more nice friends in the form of Ah Siang and Jiann Huei.


My mix fruits cake which Betsy and Saravana truly enjoys... and even my family too...


Mua Chi. Although it looks and tastes similar to the Foochow Tang Yuan. Love it lots.


Black pepper lamb pie from Secret Recipe. I dont know why but i love it so much... although the serving looks small... it makes me full to the brim... such a good treat for stress...


And i cant seem to get enough of sushi. I go to Sushi King at least twice a month. Arghhh... the hole in my pocket is getting bigger...


But you know, sometimes pampering yourself do work wonders~~~ xD


3 persons can eat this much at a time... when you're stress... splurging is not an issue...


Although im no big fan of KFC... but sometimes a hearty meal of Hot n Spicy Chicken with cheesy wedges really makes me happy.


5.5 kg turkey i had for Christmas this year... never could have finish the whole bird. The most we ate was a drum only. Dont underestimate the small size. Its a picture.


And having steamboat 4 times in the month of December alone really kills my tastebud. I get a little sick of the buttery taste, sick of the atmosphere... and pissed for the weight gain. Arghhh... im sinful.

And with more stress... i turn to baking when my weighing scale shows my weight increased a notch.


Triple Chocolate Cake. Betsy truly adores this piece and Saravana keep pestering me for the recipe... haih... i love it too... but it all depends on the mood ok?


Little Choc Chip Muffins for dessert and breakfast... cant get enough of chocolates i guess... its a comforting food for heaven's sake!


The best cheesecake i have ever baked in my life... tastes as good as Secret Recipe's i can say... LOL... too bad for someone...

And the most exotic thing i have eaten in this half year is...


Mr-Blame-Me-When-It-Rains... now now... dont give me that look... this isnt the worst i have eaten so far... ive eaten more exotic things but im not posting it here ok?

Enough of food... lets talk about uni...


For the first time we managed to get a huge group photo with all 109 students in the class... Engineering Maths 2 couldnt be more fun with Ms Betsy and Ms Chong teaching us again... known them since foundation... whoa... ok although i dont know everyone in class... im proud to say i know at least 80% of them. =D


The first robotics competition i went to... never have i found robotics to be such an interesting course... too bad... the future is...

Other things about uni... well its normal stuff and i dont think i will repeat myself here...

Next on about life and friends... in 2008... ive met many new people, both good and bad... made good friends, 'adopted' new brothers and children =D ... fallen in love and never got out of that hole... i guess thats just life aint it?


Went to National Service... lasted 3 weeks... came back and postpone the crap thing coz i was spiritually weakened. Guess im just useless? Nah... no comment.


Miss my cousin Audrey at times... she came back from Australia few weeks back and now is back again in Aust.


Us at a family dinner... dont we look alike? LOL...


First prom ive attended in my uni... might feel like going again next year if i have a REAL partner in crime... thats Dominic... a new friend i got to know this year... nice chap... thanks for having life-to-life talks and chats with me at times...


Crazy bunch of guys whom i always remember for God-knows whatever reason. Ching Ho, Ah Sien, Eric, Marvin and Chee Min. I still think Chee Min is so good looking... LOL sshhh...


Hoe Hin, Ben and HaYou... dont know why i *heart* HaYou so much... one of my best friends...


Karena from KL... for her age... she is more crazy than me... HAHA... love you babe!!!


Rosemary, Ropalin and Evelyn... super kiasu girls that ive met in Uni... LOL bleh guys bleh!!! They are super smart and available... go after them guys!!! LOL... ps~ im so in love with Eve's cousin. zzz


I miss these guys so so much... Larry when are you coming back?Haih... when can we have gatherings with all of us like this again? =X


At Zakil's house during Hari Raya. Miss you guys a hell lot...


At Pasir Pandak with HouKee, Adrian, June and Mumzy... miss the fun hanging out together... i remembered after this event, i got grounded pretty bad... but now its okayyy... lol


Foundation graduation... i dont see the relevance to why we should attend it but who cares we got our certificates so boo yah!!!


New friends that ive met whom ive grown fond of. TzeHui, Kelvin, Dean, Paul and Bertrand. I still think that Dean looks so much like B. Hmmph... everyone disagrees... oh wells... sad thing is... Dean is leaving to Melbourne in 2009... met a nice friend and losing him in a nick of time. DOUBLE SIGHS~~~ Thanks TzeHui for bringing me out to eat and shop. And for the badminton. And also giving me confidence in things that i dont have confidence in at all... ^^


And special thanks to everyone's boyfriend, Mr Yeo Pei Yuan. Hahaha... thanks for being there for me always... he is a real cotton wool... a guy's and girl's best friend... to sum up, EVERYONE'S BEST FRIEND.

Thanks to June... you got me addicted to online shopping now. Can get stuffs cheaper and also more individualistic as the percentage of other people around Kuching to have the same clothes as you is low. HAHA...

Thanks to bro for always consoling me when im down. I know life in KL is harsh most of the time, but keep going on strongly ok? God bless...

Thanks to mum and dad for everything... even though we do have our unreasonable disagreements... i still love you guys a lot.

To all the Bs' = B, Bubu (HaYou's nick), Bii (Kevin), Bro 1, Bro 2 and Bro 3... LOVE YOU GUYS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!!! XOXO LOVE AND KISSES...

To all my friends... thanks for being there for me always... helping me throughout the way with support... without you guys, i think i would have been crazy already.

To all the haters, fuck yourself...

And to everyone that i have missed out... just wanna wish you guys a Happy 2009 as we wave goodbye to 2008... and... TO EVERYONE WHO ARE IN MY LIFE...

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART...
and God bless you guys always!!!

XOXO,
Amber

A New Chapter

I can hear the thunder
I can see the rain pour
The cracks of lightning brighten the sky
Mother nature contributes to this cry.
The twilight seems so pretty
But empty
Like an abyss sucking all light through it
Turning into a dimwit.
Turning away from the starting point
Emotions breaking from their joints
It all begins again
When the weather starts to rain.
Sitting and self-analyzing
Self confidence justifying
Trusting was an issue
It just made more use of tissue.
But trust is placed where its supposed to
We made the mess we've gotten into
Hatred wont happen till mistakes takes place
It did happen... thats why everything falls out of place.
And the reason wasnt unjustifiable
Everything has its variables
Everything happens for a reason
And the reason is clear this season.
Clear cut
Like glass cutting through the beating heart
It just seem so yesterday when summer clashes with winter
But these days, better is the weather.
Summer return to summer
And autumn before winter
Its all back to the beginning
No teeth grinding and clashing.
Its been 3 months long
3 months of autumn prolong
Winter is back
And the atmosphere is black.
And silence fills the air
The voices of despair
Tears falling into the pail
Hoping everything would go well.
Gone were the days when chances
Makes people fall into dances
If we didnt take the opportunity
There wouldnt be any unity.
So it all comes down to this
Waiting or giving chances?
And the answer is clear without any gists
When a new chapter begins.

When laughters turn into tears

My dad received a call from Penang yesterday night...

Aunt Sally told my dad what happened... too speechless for words, he couldnt speak much...

Uncle got a heart attack at 10 something pm... and then, efforts to save him wasnt successful =(

2 hours earlier, he was happily chatting with Aunt Belle...

Aunt Belle was in shocked... more of a denial stage... she wouldnt accept the fact till this morning

The news broke out to us, amidst the heavy downpour outside... the rain cries in unison with the passing of family member... i couldnt help but weep silently...

My dad was responsible on our behalf to settle the funeral... 4 of our relatives are going over to Kedah...

Aunt Belle couldnt go... she is heavily preggers with child...

Abby wasnt allowed to go... and i guessed she didnt know what happened... after all, she just turned 3 years old a few days ago...

I dont know who should i feel sad for, my aunt? or my cousins?

Abby would never get to see her daddy anymore... so does the unborn child... she would never get to see her father...

When i usually thought how miserable life could be... i never expected things to happen this way...

Seeing Abby's future... i dont know what to think... where is the main figure in the family? where is the breadwinner? my aunt has to bear all the responsibilities... and all of us have to chip in to play our parts...

And this is where the stress falls on me... im pressured... but i need to do it, coz thats what benefits the rest...

I want Abby to live a normal life... i dont want her to feel intimidated by others just because her family isnt complete...

Im speechless for words... things can change 360 degrees in a blink of an eye...

We were still laughing... and a phone call changed everything...

Oh God, i pray... i pray for the appease of uncle's soul... and also pray so that You continuously watch over Aunt Belle and her family...

May your soul rest in peace, Uncle Julius...

Amen.

How time flies...

Its been ages since ive looked through my old photo albums which held memoirs that are already forgotten or some - well, in the process to be forgotten. What with the things we learn in University and other more important things to remember, the past is soon to be forgotten. However, Lynthia's sister, Lynn Xuan rekindle back those olden days when she told me recently that she had a photo taken with my family donkey years back... and of course i forgot whether such thing happened... but i knew i just had to lay my hands on that photo. And she has been so kind to put it up in her blog and also email me a copy... THANKS LYNN XUAN!!! Lynthia, you have a great sis... ^^

10 years ago... or wait... im 18 now... so erm... precisely 11 years ago... ^^ that is my family with Lynn Xuan... at our primary school Prize Giving Day. OMG... the photo is so old already... see the tarnished colors and yellowing... cant blame those days... we do not have any 5 mp cameras during those days... highest was erm... i dunno how many pixels la... i think not even 1... sighs... =X

I know im so fat and short and and and... i dont know what else to say... but... i cant help but think i was so fat till the brim that i was a cute chubby oversized primary 1 girl... ^^ you cant deny that you want to pinch my fat fat cheeks aight? ^^ *grins*


I grew up in an environment where friends and family matters so much to me. Secondary school came to an end. This is a group photo with my friends during our first prom after SPM was over. This was 2 years ago... when i was only 16. OMG... i miss those days man... when everyone was stressing over how SPM would turn out to be... and also... about prom... how would the night turn out to be. Face it, i went there dateless, and so did many others. But we friends had a great time, i admit we do... =D those memories are one of the sweetest memories i will never forget. ^^ and if you dont know which one is me, im the fat ass on the left... with huge huge flabby arms... zzzz


And this studio photo was taken before CNY celebrations this year... and yea... ive grown... taller and slimmer... i couldnt be more proud of myself. My brother grew bigger... upwards and sideways... ^^ my mum has a tummy and dad is balding fast... time really waits for no one. But then, imagine how time flew for such a small little innocent girl to a risk taker, that i am one right now... ive changed... the world changes... everyone changes... EVERYTHING CHANGES... i could only remember shuffling on my backside yesterday, crying because i want more milk and just in a blink of an eye, im in university studying my ass off something i dont like... sighs... if only i can turn back time... but then, by turning back time, i wouldnt want to change anything either. Coz everything is put in place by God, and everything happens for a reason. The past paths a future for us. We learn from our past, and never make the same mistakes again... and from there, we grow to be a better person in life. Thats what my motto in life is... anyways... or so i think it is... zzzz

OH MAN... IM 18... AND IM SO OLD RIGHT NOW!!! ZZZ

HOW TIME FLIES... LIKE A JETPLANE, REACHING SUPERSONIC SPEED... BUH

In Berberboo's mind: I miss someone... i really do... sighs... =(

Last Words for 2007...

Well, in this post... i wanna give my last words to all those who played a part in my life as in the year 2007... im gonna thank them, bad mouthed them... and do whatever i like... lols... its gonna be a damn long post anyways... but you'll be glad if you see your name in it... ^^

To:

Shawn aka Pei Yuan: Thanks for being a good friend, for being there for me and listening to all my girly talks and problems... and helping me solve them too... ^^ friends forever!!! oh ya, in the year 2008, please refrain from reading so many philosophies... its gonna complicate your mind... =P

DyDy: Ive only known him this year... but we get along really well...Thanks for hearing me out and listening to my love problems... haha... you never cease to cheer me up when im sad... well, if you knew i was sad la... sayang my DyDy... =D

My brother: Dear ko, thanks for listening to me when mum and dad didnt bother... thanks for helping me solve problems, and making me a more mature girl even though the youngest is always the most childish... thanks for putting up with me... lol

Dad: Thanks for being responsible and shower me with love and care and everything i need without hesitations... you supported me when mum didnt... i know i can be over the edge sometimes... but you still find alternative ways to see me through... thanks for that...

Mum: Thanks for giving me all those mother-to-daughter talks... it really helps me open my eyes... i dont know whether you know what im going through since i never tell you anything... but a mother's instinct is always right... =D

Junie: Thanks for being a wonderful friend who never stop talking cock with me... i love those 'papaya' days... thanks for letting me know where to get cheap clothes in Kuching too... hehe...

Chee Cheng: I still remember the day we first talked... haha... and i like the fact that you are always cheerful and 'noisy'... cannot shut up one... =P thanks for giving me the first teddy in 2007...

Siaw Yin: i have to say this... next year... i want to see you wear skirts and dresses!!! omg... dont be so tomboyish la... lol... this girl can joke really well with me... and i love that!!! hehe

Kit: Even though i dont get to see you often, i miss you la... i love those days... sighs

Chin Fong: You're not alone in this world... you will find your happiness soon... eh... isnt it already here this Christmas? ^^ be happy always... and mix around to make more new friends... they will brighten your days... =)

Ha You: hahahahahaha... i dont know how i know him... but i guess... it was during Physics B tutorial class when i asked you to sit with me... and you did!!! hehe... thanks ya... ever since... we have been practically talking about everything... you listened to me bullshit and listened to my problems... and you love zzzzz and Mapling all the time... aiyo... make sure in 2008 not like that anymore la... =P

Alistair: im sorry about the accident... but you're improving and getting better each day... Praise the Lord!!! and about your blog... i can laugh my ass off everytime i drop by... but please refrain from getting on the nerves on some of the bloggers... maybe thats why you got 'hacked' several times lo... some people are just too sensitive... lols... keep it up, All Star!!!

Aaron cuzzie: Haha... i just knew that you were related to me... but i dont really know how anyways... blekk... it was good to know i had a relative in the same University... but then... you're going to KL next year... =( miss ya...

Bernard: Haha... you're the most fashionable guy ive ever met in my entire life!!! you beat me flat flat about anything regarding fashion and styles... your wardrobe is multiple times bigger than mine... and your hair is always spiky and stylish... cute la you... haha... oh ya, thanks for listening to me when i talk about my 'issues'... i think you're the first to see me cry... but i dont think you saw it properly anyways... lol

Ms Betsy: Woot MISS... haha... you are the most sporting lecturer i have ever known... i wanna sit down and limteh with you and talk about life again!!! so damn nice man... hope you are still gonna be teaching in Swinburne next year... ^^ cant wait to be in your class again...

Ah Chang: The longest guy ive ever known... he has the longest hair, longest whine, longest legs... longest feet... aiya... everything long la... ah chang arr... sometimes you very childish arr... make me angry nia... huhu...

Cherry Jie: hehe... jie jie always there for me de... always listen to me de... thanks o... hehe... sama sama single till graduate, ok? ^^

Howe Chuan: you made me more immune to teases and mockings... haha... thanks for training me o...

Izzudin: the most irritating person during first semester and second semester... apa la you... i know you since i was young till now, still never change one... HUH... but now got gf already hor??? huhu... so li hai... better than me... huhhhhh~~~

Jeff: haha... was it you who drove dangerously all the time? i remembered you told me about high speed cornering and such... i wanna see you do that next year la... blehh

Kari: i only know you through Dy a few months ago... you added me in Friendster... and from there... we are friends!!! you are the hottest 15 year old i have ever known... haha... thanks for inspiring me on how to camwhore... sayang my Kari... blek

Fred: i dont know why by you always seem to be moody... cheer up la... friends are always there for you, but you always hide yourself from them... then how are they gonna notice anything??? sighs...

Tim: you ar... always mix cock with physics theory... and it seems only you can understand what it is... i was so blur everytime i ask you to teach me physics... haha... and you sing all those Chinese songs... sometimes i geli la... =P but very funny la, made me laugh a lot... ^^

Norman: im sorry if i cant give you what you always wanted... its just that... i dont feel anything... and i cant force myself to do what i dont wanna do... coz i dont wanna hurt you... im sorry for that... really am...

Larry: Thanks for being the gayest person i have ever known... i know you are damn smart la... but dont be so stingy sometimes... buh... and thanks for lying to me multiple times till i think our friendship means nothing to you...

Wee Liang: i know you through my blog... you are always concern about me, but i always kick you away... im just afraid you know too much... sorry about it yea...

Ivanna Banana: i saw you for the first time even though ive known you for some time... lol... you are so freaking hot la... buhh... banana not fat... haha... *hugs hugs* i love you when you wear all those dresses... like model o... haha

Ah Hock: Bai pi fu... zhu... haha... you always laugh de... and always call me zhu one... huh... say me bad all the time, you yourself also very bad... blek

Ropalin: You are the most kiasu girl i have ever met... blek... but then... being kiasu is also a gift bah... keeps us up at top form at all times... ^^ and i cant believe my mum said i look like you from far... haha... unfair!!!

Chee Min: you are the most perfect guy i have ever met in my life... perfect as in fulfilling all my criterion that i want to have as a bf... but then... luck is not on my side anyways... got rejected twice... and thats painful... but hey... im ok now... and thanks for sitting beside me during Study Info every class... ^^

Michael: haha... one of these day... ive gotta try to eat your cooking... you seem to be a brilliant cook... coz everything i ask you about food, you seem to know a lot and know how to cook it... beware o... my mum might 'tangkap' you later... lol

Celestine: haha... you are so small and cute and funny and and... haha... nice to talk to you la... thanks for being a friend... hehehehehe... lolz...

Robin: OMG... you play badminton... so damn li hai la... till racket patah... =_=... you smash like a professional man!!! haha... last time arr... you so smart get so high for EMB... wah lao... i so jealous worr... blek

Ben Ben: I dont know how to tell you anything now... i dont know whether its over or its just the beginning... but i think i might go on with my life la... new year ma... so need to change lo... sorry for making your life miserable lo... bye bye

Ching Hoi: oooooiiiii.... mana kamu??? long time no see le... i didnt even see you in Swinburne le... where you go to??? buh buh... you say you pro in things... i need professional help now ma!!! buh...

Ms Cordelia: the nicest lecturer you can ever get... so helpful, so friendly... so NICE!!! aww... too bad you wont teach my course next year... i want!!! =(

Winn: Winnie anak Simon Minggu!!! huhu... i miss those talks late at night on MSN la... sighs... and and... i love seeing you with Charles... so sweet... wish you all the best in your relationship, dear!!! sayang sayang winn!!!

Lynthia: OMG... after so long... then i can get to meet you again!!! almost 10 years worr... sighs... i want to see you more often... come to Kuching!!! i try to go to Miri too la... if can... sighs... miss youuu...

Maxxbie: you are the only guy i know who has the same taste of music that i do... i mean... i love the songs you listen to... emo emo freak... blek...

Zhen Jong: my mum said you are very cute!!! ^^ ok... you are cute too... like little boy... blek... dont kill me ar...

Jason: skinniest guy on earth. waist size only 26... OMG... so small... smaller than mine le... sighs... im so jealous

Mr Yong: Mr balding and vegetarian health conscious man!!! BLEKK... eating meat wont hurt you, sir!!! trust me... lol... coolest lecturer on earth... he doesnt get mad... and he sings lullabies to his sleeping students... huhu

Ms Marlene: the cutest lecturer around... haha... you look like a hamster la... some more... body so hot again... sighs... i dont believe you dont have a bf... hahahaa... =P

Paul: I never knew anyone so mysterious before... heck i got to say that i hardly understand whats in your blog... =P debating freak... blek

Steven: Big kor kor who is in degree already... haha... very hardworking also... respect respect... ^^

Wilson: the funniest guy on earth... known him while visiting All Star in the hospital... then same group for research... huhu... this guy can talk non stop... and he is always damn funny la... =) good luck for the new year... you know i know... ^^

Zakil: I MISS YOU AND JEROME!!! those star wars days and those days of talking rubbish in class and tuition... aiya... i miss those days la!!! i still want!!! go out makan when free!!! no more puasa... =P

Audrey cuzzie: I miss you la... come back from Aussie more often!!! i dont have money to fly over... =( i miss talking to you even though im so old and you are so young... you are too mature for your age... blek

Mek Mek: Must come back for the Chinese New Year arr... i wanna see you!!! blek...

To all those i didnt mention... its not that i dont think you are important in my life... its just that i might have forgotten coz you guys never left much impact... lolz... im evil, yesh i am... huhu...

Anyways... thanks for getting your head blurred with this post. NGEK NGEK... buuu buuu... tata...

In Berberboo's mind: What are you playing at? buh...

Restless...

Ive been feeling restless these days... i dont know why... i can hardly sleep at night, but when i eventually sleep, it will be around 2 am which is so not my bedtime. I dont wanna take any pills coz it will ruin my kidney (or so ive heard). Ive been counting down the days till Christmas comes knocking on my doorstep. Im not in the mood for celebration, im just trying to get my life's pieces back together in place. Im waiting for a reply that i myself know wont be positive. Ive gotta get my life back on track. And im serious. If its negative, damn... i might be spending the whole of next year in silence, getting extra subjects so that i can finish the whole damn engineering course faster, start working and earning money. I wont toil around and play often once ive made up my mind. I will live up to my geeky expectations. I wont wanna have any relationships anymore, coz i will not have the time for it or im just afraid i might hurt myself. I dont want history to repeat itself... Ahh... i can hear the future chorusing in my head. My mum seems to be a bit suspicious lately. I guess she sorta knows im in love or having some love problems coz she kept talking about GUYS and what my future husband should be like --- the one that she wants me to marry la. But sad to say, none of those are well... acceptable. She doesnt allow me to marry someone her dialect ( if you know what dialect she is)... and the moment i heard that, i was so crestfallen. Dang!!! Oh wells, she told me why... and i couldnt agree more with her... but then... the world changes, and people change too... so i hope those people will change in the future too. But why talk about marriage now? Gah, my mum is so unpredictable!!! LOlz... the next thing is, she will be talking about making babies and such... eww... im still not ready for this la... bleh...

Ive been told i look desperate for a boyfriend. And after talking to a few friends and my brother to enlighten my views about it, i seriously think that reality is banging on my head right now. I know i may look like a desperate bitch trying to hook about any guys especially when i wrote all those personal posts in my blog... so i decided... i will change... coz you people forced me to. I wont blog about all these personal issues on my main blog anymore. If you want to know them, access my private blog to know. People tell me im perfect and its impossible for me not to have a bf, but guess what??? Im single, and whats to be ashamed of it? I admit my instability has caused me to be single, not because of other factors. So im gonna reflect upon myself and change for the better. But... i wont be interested in this love problems anymore. Goodbye.

Now im trying to finish my Study Info assignment, then head off to do my Moral's assignment. Gonna have a Malaysian Studies test on the 4th of January. Sonofabitch!!!

(This is my newest photo ive taken of myself... havent been camwhoring much lately.)

I wish someone could put the smile back into my life... get me off these restless nights... i deserve a rest from my problems too, ok? Sighs. I need sleep!!!

In Berberboo's mind: Im never gonna be happy if i go on living in lies...

Feelings Exposed

With mixed feelings about the truth and what is not, im in a confused state which left me pondering on what ive done, what i should do and what i can do to rectify my mistakes and life... being expressive about my feelings is all i can think of now...

Feelings Exposed ~ literally

You and I cannot hide...
The love we feel inside...
The words we need to say...
I feel that ive always walked this earth alone...
But now that you're here with me
There will always be a place that i can go.

I could fly, when you smiled at me...
I'd walk a thousand miles, to hear your voice calling my name...
Now that i have finally found the one who will be there for me eternally...
He is my everlasting sun...
And i dont wanna let him go.

Suddenly, our destiny has started to unfold...
When you're next to me,
I can see the greatest story love has ever told.

Now my life is finally blessed with the love of an angel...
How can this be so true?
Somebody to keep my dreams alive... the dreams i found in you
Ive always thought that love would be the strangest thing to me...
But when we met, i realised... that ive found a place in heaven by your side...

Could it be your eyes? Or could it be your smile?
Or could it be the way you freed my mind?
You gave me everything that i knew was lost forever...
Could it be your lies? Could it be your pride?
Or could it be my pride that made you walked out the door?
You left... and everything is lost forever.
Please give me one more try for the sake of our love...
Lets give it one more chance coz i cant give you up now...
I cant live another day without you by my side...
Coz... i cant seem to find another one like you.

Another picture on the wall...
Another life that I used to live...
Another meaning once untrue....
With every memory of you broken in my sleep...
Another moment frozen in time.
I talked of love... you never agreed,
So many chances passed us by...
And now I've lost the strength to try...
My love was never yours to keep...
Coz you gave it away, when it was blossoming.

With every night i lie awake,
With every day we grow apart,
I never learnt from my mistakes, from the very start.
If i cant have you, and all the love is gone,
And if you cant find my love but decide to carry on,
And if you had to leave and take my heart with you,
I would never be with anyone else, if i cant have you...

I dont wanna look back on yesterday...
Coz the time has been gone...
Im thinking of what tomorrow holds,
Without you, it feels so wrong... and i cant seem to carry on...
Just dont speak, just seal your lips,
Please dont say a word,
Maybe i wont remember the words i have not heard...
I can see that you're in love, but I know its not with me...
But i dont want the truth to haunt my memory.

I know its never too late to reignite the fire,
It never stopped burning inside of me,
The flame, it never died in my heart...
Why is it now that i can tell you that i love you...
When i know that its too late?
What can i do when i knew the love we had has torn in two?
You took the smiles away from me... and im left with tears.

I sit and reminiscence the times that we once shared...
I laughed happily as i see your laughter...
You gave me more than love, but you never thought i cared,
My feelings were all for you, although it didnt show much,
I only told you on the day when all hope is lost.
And now i realized that you're no longer mine,
But im hoping the pain will ease with time,
Although you're leaving, i wont say a single word of goodbye
Coz i know you will always be here with me inside.

Sitting on my bed, singing the songs of love...
Wishing you were here, because the memories werent enough...
Wearing my mask in silence, pretending im alright...
If you could see then you would know...
How much pain im suffering inside.
It may be hard to believe...
Coz you never see me this way...

Every single hour of every single day,
I need to cry but my eyes are dry,
Coz i cried all my tears away for you...
I cant help but always remember how you made me feel,
You made me whole... and made my life complete...
But now thats just a destiny being corrupted...
And all that remains are the memories of those days...
But now when you are gone,
I sit alone to watch the setting of the sun...
And get lost in my thoughts... as im fading away.

In Berberboo's mind: Im moody each day... and i told him i hated him for saying that i played with his feelings... i wish i could take that back... but i cant muster the words from my heart...

Emotional Breakdown

Firstly, this post is gonna be pretty darn long, so get ready for it if you really wanna read word by word. Secondly, im gonna be so emotional when writing this, coz im crying in the process of recollecting my memories to embed in this post. And lastly, shut my blog if you dont wanna read about me bragging about my life and simply divert yourself to another blog. Please do so if you wanna bitch about me later after you have finished reading my post. And i dont need your jeering and 'serve-you-right' sort of thing. Get the fuck off my blog if you thought of doing that.

First and foremost... i remembered the 13th of December. The day when i first met my ex. It was years ago. I didnt knew him much. But we get things going. Back then, he was 18 and i was 15. Young bloods poking fun at the name of love, we just had it all happening between us. Although a few months of being apart isnt long compared to years... the bond of trust between us was thinning. He was a continent apart from me, and here i was in Kuching... dreading SPM more than our rocky relationship. I never sort of trusted him in the first place, or at least i thought i did, but i was prone to jealousy, and pessimism. I didnt trust him at all. I admitted it. Especially when you couldnt trust those whites and their culture. And also especially what happened on April Fool's. But the ball kept rolling till another year has passed... and then, we broke up. Right before my SPM examinations. Luckily i still managed to scrap good results, or my parents will swear they will keep an eye out for my future lovestoned relationships. They never knew what ive been through. I never told them, coz it wasnt obvious that i was in love. Needless to say, i dont think i can use that strong word. I might just stick to the word like or accustomed to. Needless to say, I couldnt stand long distance relationships. It sucks so bad. Especially when you barely knew whether he held your trust deep inside him, or he was just a player. Maybe thats where i got the experience from. A player breeds another player. I think ive gotten that foul gene from him, even though we werent related by blood. My experiences from him had led me to more heartaches in the future.

Yesterday, the newest guy whom ive found profound fondness and care told me that i played with his feelings. I was so shocked and sad at the same time. Tears fell from my face when i was reading that SMS in the car. Mum who sat beside me didnt notice my tears, coz i turned towards the opposite side, where i could hide my face in a hand towel and my plush penguin. I was heading to church, and i know sore eyes in church isnt a good thing. So i quickly dabbed my eyes dry, and thought of a white lie of dust getting into my eyes, and therefore tears came out... if ever my parents were to ask. I didnt catch what he had to say. I didnt get him. I just missed him a lot so i decided to carelessly asked him something. Last time, when i told him i liked him... he couldnt believe what i said. And now, when i said if i told him i didnt like him, will he believe my word? He said yes. He believed that i dont like him. WTF. Are you that blind? Cant you see what ive done for you? I got you something you like to eat, cooked for you even though it wasnt that good to you, tried to help you in your English coz i know yours is meek, SMS-ed you to keep the days of not being able to see you more worthwhile, making all those excuses just to get to have a glimpse of you? Why do you think i played with you? WHY? I never did. I never get anything for CM even though ive liked him before. He was just a mistake i couldnt forgive myself. What i had with him was something more than like... but not love... it could be an infatuation... coz he was perfect. A perfect person to me. But i know i could never get to be with someone perfect. Coz a perfect person will always be with another perfect half. There is no place for people like me to be in a perfect world. But im still living in my own perfect world. And now when im placing hope in you, you turned away from me. I feel so crushed by what you said. My brother told me i was such a gullible person. I thought you were blind for not being able to see my sincerity, BUT NOW I KNOW IM THE ONE WHO IS BLIND. Im so blind that i couldnt tell the difference when is enough and when is not. Im blind coz im easily deceived or cheated or being used at, and i cant see that. I stupidly hurried along and helped everyone as long as im being happy. I felt like a sick puppy. A sick puppy which follows her master around. Well, just so you know, i dont wanna be that sick puppy anymore. Im tired of it. Im gonna be really selfish and bad from now on, even though it isnt my nature to do so, i will try to because i dont wanna see myself get hurt for the happiness of others. Sorry. I gave you time, you thought i played. Then why did i waste so much time in you? I regret that now. I really do.

Mid December, 2005. A dear friend of ours passed away in a freak accident. He drowned in a swimming pool while on holiday. Dear Jia Hong, you are always remembered in our hearts. I still do, and many of us too. Everytime, when someone we love left us, there is always a small part in our heart that gets chipped off. Our heart is made out of thousands of little shards, all intertwined in the name of love. With love, it is held together and beating strongly everyday. Without love, our heart is weak and prone to destruction. I know that. Thats why i dont believe when people say they dont need love to survive. Thats utter bullshit. Enough about accusing people about their way of life. One thing i keep in my mind all the time, that reminds me every single day about life. The statement, that is fuel to my brains and feelings. "We only appreciate what we have when we lose it". Yes, i believe in that statement. Thats what keeps me going strong each day. I only appreciate something once its gone from my life. My ex, i only knew how much he cared for me, when we broke up. Before that, i always took him for granted. My grandma, i never visited you much coz you lived so far away. But now, i wish i could see your smile more often. Love, i never see the love ive gotten from friends and family. But when we seem to lose our love, especially in failed relationships and heartbreaks, only then do we realize that we need it so much. I regretted for giving my love away to the wrong person, and i regret i couldnt give my love to those who sincerely loves me for who i am. Im sorry. I wish i could stop crying, but this tears wont stop. This is the 3rd day. And im not stopping.

Yesterday was a good day. Bought 2 dresses. Mum bought it for me, seemingly after a miracle that i didnt asked for anything this Christmas. Was so pleased with the dresses. Even the lady selling the clothes were extremely happy. Last year, in the very same month of December, i was shopping for my first prom. I couldnt even fit in an XL from that shop. But a year later, i managed to fit into a size S. All size S. And some were even loose. The lady thought i was my mum's second daughter. Actually, i was the same, except i lost 10 kgs and look slimmer. So yea... i was supposed to be happy about this right? But i wasnt. I think im unhealthy. I dont know why. Maybe im thinking too much. Darn, gotta get my weight balanced with my height. But then, im still unhappy. All the dresses i bought, i was supposed to let him see that i have a feminine side of me where i can still wear dresses and look good. I am a girl and a lady in the making after all. But then, what ive done for him isnt enough. He thinks im not worth it. He wants more and im afraid i cant give that to him. I dont want to change to be a whole new different person. By then, my name wont be Amber anymore. I am what i am, and i cant change what i am. So live with it.

Enough of the crying... life hasnt been treating me good these days. Not only i suffered from emotional distresses, luck isnt by my side these few days. First of all, my favorite Levis shirt which was white color is now blue color, thanks to mixing dark color clothes with light color clothes while washing. Just a slip of chores and a little laziness made such a big accident. Shit. Now i cant wear that shirt anymore, it looks horrendous. Gotta get a new one, that is if i can find it in Kuching. Besides that, ive been suffering from endless sneezing and coughing for the past few days. Dont know whats got into me, maybe the wind has gotten into my head or what, but im feeling whoozy all the time. I fainted 2 nights ago, or so i call it fainted because i couldnt get up at all while lying down. I just slept without knowing i slept. Scary eh? The coughing might be due to the bags of oranges i love to consume for their enriching vitamin C. The sneezing might be due to the rascals talking behind my back. Im not sure so i cant simply accuse people. And thats not the worst part of my series of unfortunate events, my car's front tire was punctured. A screw lodged itself on the right tire and phewww... all the air came out. And the shitty thing is, the shop isnt open so that i can get the tire to be fixed and plastered. All i can do is change to the spare tire for the time being. But the spare tire is soooo much smaller than my original tire and it cannot exceed 80 km/h. Now that sucks. I feel retarded, even though i knew how to change a flat tire when i know many girls out there will just sit there and whine till a good Samaritan shows up and help them change the tire for them, i feel my car is wrecked because of my carelessness. I was absent minded in parking at rocky and under construction areas. Shit. And tomorrow, i will need to attend lectures and such... without a car. Brother doesnt want to send me, coz its too early in the morning and he wakes up late everyday. So the only solution is drive my car at a mere speed of 70km/h or the other option of driving my brother's car. An Unser? OMG... SO BIG!!! =__= i rather skip classes then.

I think im gonna be spending this year's Christmas alone again. Last year, i didnt have the person i cared for with me, and this year will be the same as well. Ben wont be with me, even though i hope he would, but i can see things will not be going towards what ive hoped it would be. He is leaving through the back door, and nothing can change his mind. I dont think he will wish me a happy occasion. I doubt he even know when my birthday is. Its coming soon, but the only person among the group who knows is only my acquaintance now, our friendship died. Im gonna be so alone this Christmas... dont count my family... they are always with me. Im gonna enjoy Christmas turkey and roast lamb with my family... with my mobile phones propped silently by me... and i will be waiting for a message that i myself know will never come, i will never get to hear that incoming tone when a new message comes it... all i get to hear are the cheers of celebration from my family, while i sit there, sipping juices and holding myself from being close to tears. If things were to be this way in the future, i can see myself as an old spinster, with 27 dirty cats, wait... maybe more than 27... 107 dirty cats in a house... where i spend the remainders of my life, rotting silently. But i dont want that to happen. I guess what is in the future is in God's hand. I dont have to worry much now.

Was supposed to go for a BBQ tonight, but i couldnt make it. Coz parents were thinking it wasnt worth it. They ask me to go to Hornbill for steamboat and hot plate with friends one of these days. I said i will. At least i hope so, with the company of a few friends where we can sit and talk about our private lives. I just hope... life next week will be more merrier and fun for me. Since Christmas is coming, its supposed to be a season to be jolly, and not to be sad and down. White Christmases are serene, but we have grey Christmases here. What with the rain and the floods over in Sibu, i just hope everyone will be celebrating a joyous occasion. And i hope my instability of emotions will soon be over, and get my head cleared and straightened out, and i can see things with a clear mind... and make decisions more cleverly, and to never be so stupid again.

With lots of love and tears,
Amber