Tomorrow, it will be a year and a month since i was the happiest in my life. His birthday was the most memorable event in my entire life. Seeing him in tears of joyfulness and happiness, I knew I could spent my entire lifetime loving this guy. For once, I knew what it meant to love somebody so much till you could barely breathe. I thought this was just some lyrics sang by a singer, too stupor in love. But being there and experiencing it, love is so wonderful. God gave me a wonderful gift, a gift in the form of *****. And sadly, i didn't cherished it enough. He came to my life unexpectedly, brightening my days with colors no templates have. He gave me the reason to love, to live. He gave me a whole new perspective in life, one that I never considered chancing myself upon, even if i had no choice. He, the power to move and change me, has left. Back then when he left, i was too afraid to get on my two feet again, wobbling and struggling for support. I held my hands out, but there was no one to grab it, nothing to hold. I was grasping out into thin air. All i felt was the coldness.
All this happened by my own accord. It was all my fault. If i hadn't wavered in faith, things wouldn't have been what it became. But they always remind me, if he is yours, he will always be yours. And sadly he isn't. He belongs to another. He was just here to shake me up, make me realize the world is a beautiful place after all. I have to keep reminding myself day and night that he doesn't belong to me. He belongs to that dancer with graceful legs, skin white like porcelain, face so perfect like a China doll, body as sexy as Scarlett Johansson, hair as fragrant as the sea of flowers in the field. He is hers. Not mine. Injecting all these thoughts into mind, I thought it was easier to let go. But it doesn't work at all. It doesn't. Not even 1%. All i can think was... he is not the person i used to love before. He changed. But you can't blame him after what I did to him. I won't forgive myself for that. A friend said, until you learn to forgive yourself, you will never let go. And I have yet to do that.
I missed him so dearly my heart sometimes palpitates so fast I swore a heart attack would come sooner or later. The emotional tremor i feel inside; seeing pictures of him and his new beau, seeing him and experiencing how he treats me like a vermin, like i'm not fit to walk pass him, seeing him get so choked up, torturing himself. I wish he could be very happy. I wish he would with her. I hope he will. I feel so guilty putting him in that position earlier in this year. I shouldn't have. It was a test of my judgment and faith, and i have failed endlessly. Thus, I'll just lead my mousey life, tunneling and burrowing deeper into my hole. Until I can forgive myself, i would never crawl to the surface.
I need a getaway, a place away from Kuching for the time being. I can't bear seeing his face, his father's face, his aunts, remnants of him around me. I need to leave so dearly. I need to. My drastic weight loss isn't because i wanna be slim, i wanna be hot or sexy, no. Its because of the tremendous stress i'm in now. If only he would know. If only he didn't hung up on me. If only he would understand and forgive me. But what could have been will always remain as what could have been. It was then. There is no way i can turn back the time and done it better. A friend asked, if you can turn back time to those days, will you have treated him better? My answer still remains the same. I cannot, because anyone in my position would have done the same, maybe slightly better. So now, I shall learn to forget. Forgive and forget. It takes time, but i'll go through it. I promise.
All this happened by my own accord. It was all my fault. If i hadn't wavered in faith, things wouldn't have been what it became. But they always remind me, if he is yours, he will always be yours. And sadly he isn't. He belongs to another. He was just here to shake me up, make me realize the world is a beautiful place after all. I have to keep reminding myself day and night that he doesn't belong to me. He belongs to that dancer with graceful legs, skin white like porcelain, face so perfect like a China doll, body as sexy as Scarlett Johansson, hair as fragrant as the sea of flowers in the field. He is hers. Not mine. Injecting all these thoughts into mind, I thought it was easier to let go. But it doesn't work at all. It doesn't. Not even 1%. All i can think was... he is not the person i used to love before. He changed. But you can't blame him after what I did to him. I won't forgive myself for that. A friend said, until you learn to forgive yourself, you will never let go. And I have yet to do that.
I missed him so dearly my heart sometimes palpitates so fast I swore a heart attack would come sooner or later. The emotional tremor i feel inside; seeing pictures of him and his new beau, seeing him and experiencing how he treats me like a vermin, like i'm not fit to walk pass him, seeing him get so choked up, torturing himself. I wish he could be very happy. I wish he would with her. I hope he will. I feel so guilty putting him in that position earlier in this year. I shouldn't have. It was a test of my judgment and faith, and i have failed endlessly. Thus, I'll just lead my mousey life, tunneling and burrowing deeper into my hole. Until I can forgive myself, i would never crawl to the surface.
I need a getaway, a place away from Kuching for the time being. I can't bear seeing his face, his father's face, his aunts, remnants of him around me. I need to leave so dearly. I need to. My drastic weight loss isn't because i wanna be slim, i wanna be hot or sexy, no. Its because of the tremendous stress i'm in now. If only he would know. If only he didn't hung up on me. If only he would understand and forgive me. But what could have been will always remain as what could have been. It was then. There is no way i can turn back the time and done it better. A friend asked, if you can turn back time to those days, will you have treated him better? My answer still remains the same. I cannot, because anyone in my position would have done the same, maybe slightly better. So now, I shall learn to forget. Forgive and forget. It takes time, but i'll go through it. I promise.
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