I Gotta Go My Own Way...

From this day onwards, i gotta go my own way, ive gotta get myself away from you... September hasnt ended, but i chose to leave earlier. Making my exit from you is the hardest thing ive ever done by myself so far, even studies and funerals made me sad and depressed, but nothing compares to the sadness felt when i made this decision. Your friends loved bullying me, as in calling me to greet you, calling me to acknowledge the fact that i certainly do like you a lot, maybe love you more than you can imagine... i was a bit furious at their behaviour, frustrated that i have to put up with it, when you just looked at me casually, like supporting their tauntings, without any feelings at all. Yes, you just stood there and smile. I thought you enjoyed the whole scenario when you see me getting hurt. I dont know why... is it some sort of torture you're putting me through because we have both made each others life miserable? If thats the way it was, im sorry, and thats why i realised its about time i took flight. That night, i got the courage, to text you, asked you how did you feel about me. Your negativity sends me back to firm ground. I know this is reality, and i just got to deal with it. Ive gotta go my own way from now on. You told me, doesnt like doesnt meant that you hated me. I understand that very well, VERY VERY WELL... however, trust me, for a girl, dislike = hatred... 99% of the girls out there wont talk to people who hurt their hearts before... come on, who wants to go through hell another time? Once is enough, twice no merrier, third is death. Sleeping pills and alcohol abuse, those are the easiest ways to cut your life from this world. But im not gonna go through all those, coz there is no point to die... when something as trivial as this happens... if not, how am i gonna survive in the tough world out there? How could i? Thats why ive gotta be strong, stand up to you, and not for you anymore. At least for now, things look quite good. I hate the fact that your friend told me something... its not because you didnt like me, but the time was just not right for you to have a girlfriend. I understand that, my friend Shawn is the same. By having a gf, he thinks he might not be able to cope with his studies and all. For me, its all the same, studies and bfs are two different stories. Maybe i should just find one like my own. But i wanted one who can actually study together with me, you know, getting through thick and thin together... i wanna see my bf and i... soar through exams together... pass through everything together... side by side all the way. I f you think my presence is merely a way to pull you down, im sorry i made you think that way. Im so sorry for that... i didnt meant to make life so difficult for you, coz for me, i thought what i asked for was simple. Didnt know it was hell for you. Sorry. The problem now is... i know how you felt, and some people asked me to wait longer... be patient... but how long should i wait for you? The longer i wait, more people will be hurt. Therefore, im leaving all this behind, and go on. I was proud to do so, many girls wouldnt dare to have the courage to ask a guy that, and i did it, and that makes all the difference in the world.

Physical bruises can heal as time passes...

But bruises deep down in the heart can never heal nor fade away...

So here i sit, trying to let time medicate my pain away... an ointment which many people used, but failed to obtain any significant results.

There is a song which keeps playing on my laptop, not that i purposely turn it on, its just that i cant seem to find the energy to turn it off. Vanessa Hudgens, Gotta Go My Own Way. So significantly true, the lyrics describes what im feeling right now.

I gotta say what’s on my mind. (Ive said what i needed to say to you)
Something about us, doesn’t seem right... these days. (Im feeling this awkward feeling everytime we meet)
Life keeps getting in the way. (Studies and exams and everything else pulls us apart, stopping us from getting together)
Whenever we try, somehow the plan is always rearranged. (Whatever i do, there is always something that spoils it, either you, or my guts)

It’s so hard to say, but I gotta do what’s best for me. (Its hard for me to do this, but thats what is best for me)
You’ll be okay... (I hope you will be okay once ive moved on...)

I’ve got to move on, and be who I am. (Im moving on, and becoming who i am... no more pretense)
I just don’t belong here,I hope you understand. (I just dont belong in your heart, things were never meant to be that way from the start, i hope you will understand that)
We might find a place in this world someday, (There is a big chance we might be together someday)
but at least for now,I gotta go my own way. (But for now, we have to go our own seperate ways)

Don’t wanna leave it all behind. (I dont wanna leave you when i know how you felt)
But I get my hopes up and I watch them fall every time. (But everytime i started wishing on the sky, it falls down hard on me)
Another color turns to grey. (Another troubled day i need to face everytime this happens)
And it’s just too hard... to watch it all... slowly fade away. (Its so hard for me to live like this, watching all my hopes and dreams fade away)

I'm leaving today (Thats why im leaving today)
Cause I gotta do what’s best for me. (Coz this is seriously what is best for me now)
You’ll be okay... (You will be fine without me in your life, i promise)

The ones in purple and italicise are the lyrics for the songs. The ones in brackets are what im going through right now.

And i dont hope you read this entry.

I hope you never read my blog.

But this is what is best for me.

And i hope you're okay with it.

In Berberboo's mind: Im leaving all this behind and get on with my life. There is no point for me to wait any longer. Coz i know you will never need me in your life, whether as a friend or something more than that.